I've never really seen the point in a blog before. I didn't understand why people would want to put themselves out there like that for the world to see, judge and criticise. Right now though, it kind of seems like a good idea. I have an abortion booked for next Friday. I hate saying that. I hate even thinking it. I already have a wonderful son, he's two, we'll call him Mini-Monkey. Life isn't easy for us, but we manage, we get by. We have each other, and I always said that that's what matters most. His father and I are separated. He's facing jail time sadly, I didn't have a choice but to kick him out. Maybe more on that another time. Back to today's story.
I found out I was pregnant just over a week ago. I knew before I took the test, just like I knew when I was expecting Mini-Monkey. I'm the type of person who's meant to be a Mummy. I've always wanted children, as many as possible. I wanted the loving husband, the cute little house with a white picket fence, children running around on the lawn and dog running around with them. So I should have been pleased when I saw the two little lines on the test. I should have been happy. But I wasn't.
I'm not in a position to raise another child. I'd be doing it 100% alone. The father is not fit to raise a baby, and I am barely managing financially right now. I want my baby, I so want my baby. But I don't want to bring a child into a world of hardship and hurt. I know I could go the adoption route. If I'm honest, I'm not because I know I wouldn't go through with it. I'm being so completely selfish and I hate it. But I know I have to do this for my son. He needs me, and only me. He comes first, because he is here right now. He makes everything hardship in this world worth it. It doesn't make the pain go away. But it helps.
One day I'll have another baby, a sibling for my Mini-Monkey. I hope this one will forgive me, when I meet it again. In my heart I feel it's a girl. When I meet her again, I'll hold her, and cry with her, and tell her I love her. She'll always be my baby, just the one I loved enough to give back.
Not the most uplifting first post for a blog, but who knows where this is going to go. Things have to get better.
